It's been awhile. I feel as though I have been in hibernation and am now just beginning to wake to spring. Winter, for me, is a difficult time. It's not just a season of cold temperatures, it's a time of depression and avoidance. I experience these times of "winter" not only in the cold weather months, but there are other times in my life, when I am in a spiritual or emotional winter. I have been in one of those since the marathon. So many people come off of a marathon, or a similar achievement, and are soaring - believing they can accomplish anything. I finished the marathon and all I heard in my head was ridicule and judgement. I know it's crazy. I know I should view finishing the marathon as a major accomplishment - but I don't. I had several goals attached to the marathon that weren't met - and so internally, I have been fighting with the demons of "not good enough." You know, those constant thoughts that you haven't done enough, what you've accomplished isn't good enough, etc.
Since the marathon, I have been off my eating plan, off my exercise plan, just plain off. And, I have gained the weight that comes with such behavior. It's now April 4th.
I have hopes for the Summer. Hopes that involve swim suits and beaches and sunshine. These hopes do not have room for a poor self esteem and self deprecation. These hopes involve positive thinking, laughter, and joy. That's what hope is all about, right?
So, there is no room for winter anymore. No matter what the temperature is outside, internally, I am declaring it summer. I know that stating this and living this are two totally different things. I have allowed the negative thinking to take up residence and it has felt very much at home in my mind for the many months. To change my perception and cling to hope and not despair requires taking each step at a time and keeping my focus on Christ. Because Christ is Hope.