My dear cousin, Josh, has died. I've always said that I want to go "fast" when I die. And yet, being on the other side of a "fast" death, is agony. So many unanswered questions, so many unsaid "goodbyes" make such a passing difficult. There's a part of me that wants to shake a fist at God and say, "why him???" And yet, I'm reminded that each breath, each day is a gift. It's not promised. We tend to live as if it is expected. We have come to feel as if it is deserved. And yet scripture clearly says that life is a "fleeting vapor." (James 4:14)
The best thing I can think of to do is not live with the attitude that I deserve a day. I need to live as I believe - that life is precious. I think of what matters most and then think of how much time I give to what matters most. I watched a youtube interview that really made me pause and think about how I live my life. Evidently it's been out for several years, but I had never seen it before. As a Christian, after personally experiencing the aftermath of lives taken "too soon", my question to myself is, "What am I waiting for?" There are so many people in my life that do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. So many people I so dearly love haven't accepted Christ's gift of salvation. And I sit back and let precious days go by as if I've been guaranteed another. Fear of what my friends will think or if I'll even have friends anymore tends to stop me in my tracks. I justify this by saying the St. Francis of Assisi quote, "preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words" and take on a holier than thou attitude like I believe that my life sufficiently points people to Christ. I wish that were the case, but I find that unlike Joe Pesci's character in "My Cousin Vinny" I blend in more than not. At work, a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that I had lived in Haiti and when I was asked why, I explained that my parents were missionaries. The people I work with seemed surprised by this information and that has caused me to pause. I didn't ask them why they were surprised. I guess I was too convicted to find out if they just envision most missionaries having a 12 inch thick Bible thumping in their hands while wearing the largest cross necklace money can buy or if my lifestyle, my words, and my attitudes have not led anyone to deduce that I am a Christ follower.
Much to ponder as I prepare to gather with my family to say goodbye to an amazing man. I will miss you Josh Oltman (1975-2012).
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
Mantra
"God is good." I need to be reminded of that right now as I am unable to make sense of my cousin's continued suffering. He entered hospice yesterday and there's a part of me that keeps asking why. And the answer I get is "I am good." I honestly don't doubt it. I don't doubt that God has a plan. My belief has not wavered. But, I'm not happy about his choice of plan, I can tell you that. I don't doubt that God is good, but it hasn't stopped me from yelling at him a few times since hearing the diagnosis. I believe that I can truly believe that God's plan is good and still be angry about it. I don't know if that makes sense, but that dichotomy is where I am right now. It's almost like a child who deep down knows that they are loved dearly by their parent but is angry that their parent has not said or done what the child wants. I do feel a bit like stomping my feet and throwing a bit of a tantrum, I will admit that's crossed my mind. Instead I cry and beg and plead and cry some more and then whisper, "God is good. God has a plan" and rest in His arms of comfort.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Taking Stock
My cousin is sick.....really sick. And this has affected me in some ways that I never would have expected. I'm not one that is really huge on tradition. I'm not a keeper of stuff, so when my siblings and I discuss who gets what after mom and dad are gone (I know, slightly on the morbid side, but in our defense, our parents started the whole conversation) I'm not the one that wants the furniture, the pictures, etc. I haven't ever had an attachment to stuff...until now. This year, I made our family recipe for Danish Kringle. I've never made it before. I've never felt the pull to continue that tradition...until now. Now I'm baking it and giving it away as gifts - just like my mother does and her mother did. Now I want to become a crazy scrapbooker and take pictures of every moment - creating a pictorial history of the moments we have together. I am beginning to realize that stuff isn't just "stuff" when it belongs (ed) to someone you love. It represents them. It brings memories to the forefront. It matters. Life is precious. Life is fragile. I am realizing that more and more each day. I want to hold my family close. I want them to know how much I love them and and treasure them. And I want our family traditions to continue as strong as ever so that we can pass them down from generation to generation. I've taken stock and I want to live my life in such a way that what truly matters is always at the forefront of each and every day. This may not be entirely realistic, but I really want to try.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thankful for Superman
I have difficulties looking at the big picture and problem solving my
way out of a situation. I tend to get caught up in the moment, and seem
to focus only on the problem and not be able to step back, take a deep
breath, and use logic to figure out a solution. As the saying goes: "I can't find the forest because I'm lost in the trees." Case in point: The Oven.
Two days before Thanksgiving, the bake element on our oven burned out. I found a replacement element, read the directions online, and thought that I could do this on my own. As my husband had hurt his back the week prior, I thought that if I fixed it, that would be one thing he wouldn't have to do and possibly hurt his back further. It seemed easy. I pulled out the old element, and noticed right away that the connecters of the new element were shaped differently than the old. Because the manufacturer said that this was an appropriate replacement, I continued, thinking that it would not be a huge deal. However, I couldn't fit the connecters into the back of the oven. And, when I pulled it back out after getting it stuck, the oven wires were disconnected and were no longer in the oven cavity. They were lost in the abyss also known as the back of the oven. A rational person would have stepped back and evaluated what they could do to retrieve said wires. I couldn't didn't do that. I freaked out. Thinking that I had just destroyed the oven and thinking that I had just created a bigger problem than I had tried to fix, I fell apart. I cried, I yelled at the oven, I shook the oven (because of course, these actions always help a situation). When I finally was worn out from my emotional tirade, and our dog Lucy had stopped licking my tears away,I defeatedly told my husband what I had done. He very simply unscrewed the back of the oven and the wires were right there. He showed me there is no abyss in the back of the oven. Logic does win out. And the whole time he was showing me, I was thinking to myself, "why didn't I think of that?"
It reminded me of a story my mother tells about when I was young. I was running and pulling my toy dog (I think it was a dog) around the kitchen table. The toy got wrapped around the leg of the kitchen table. As the story goes, I threw a massive temper tantrum right there in the kitchen and kept yanking and yanking on that string. And as the story goes, my older brother, the problem solver of us all, swooped in and saved me by gently explaining how to unwind the toy from around the kitchen leg.
Hmmm.... Forty years later and I still need someone to swoop in and save the day.
Two days before Thanksgiving, the bake element on our oven burned out. I found a replacement element, read the directions online, and thought that I could do this on my own. As my husband had hurt his back the week prior, I thought that if I fixed it, that would be one thing he wouldn't have to do and possibly hurt his back further. It seemed easy. I pulled out the old element, and noticed right away that the connecters of the new element were shaped differently than the old. Because the manufacturer said that this was an appropriate replacement, I continued, thinking that it would not be a huge deal. However, I couldn't fit the connecters into the back of the oven. And, when I pulled it back out after getting it stuck, the oven wires were disconnected and were no longer in the oven cavity. They were lost in the abyss also known as the back of the oven. A rational person would have stepped back and evaluated what they could do to retrieve said wires. I
It reminded me of a story my mother tells about when I was young. I was running and pulling my toy dog (I think it was a dog) around the kitchen table. The toy got wrapped around the leg of the kitchen table. As the story goes, I threw a massive temper tantrum right there in the kitchen and kept yanking and yanking on that string. And as the story goes, my older brother, the problem solver of us all, swooped in and saved me by gently explaining how to unwind the toy from around the kitchen leg.
Hmmm.... Forty years later and I still need someone to swoop in and save the day.
The Quitter
They say you learn a lot about yourself when you are training for a marathon. I think that's true, but I've learned or actually, re-learned a lot about myself during training, during the race, and after the race was over. It's been a month and a half since I ran the Chicago Marathon. People said it would be "life changing" and "amazing" and I'd "never be the same." All I can look at is what I've experienced, and what I see frankly, I don't really like.
All I wanted to do before the marathon was quit. Don't get me wrong, I had bursts of inspiration, but training was hard and what I learned about myself is that I don't like hard. I'm sure that working hard for something and see it come to fruition is incredibly satisfying. I know it is, I've experienced it before. However, that isn't the road I tend to lean toward. That isn't my first choice in routes to take. I choose the easy route any time it comes available.
All I wanted to do during the marathon was quit. The only reason I didn't was because I feared it would take longer to reconnect with my family afterward than just continuing along the route marked before me. Once again, although it seemed like I was accomplishing something really difficult, it was the easiest route for me.
All I have done since the marathon is quit. Some holier than thou runner posted something on facebook saying that if people quit running after they run a marathon they aren't really runners.
I told myself that the first thing I'd do was go out and get a 26.2 bumper sticker. I have yet to get it. Why? Because I don't feel as if I accomplished anything. I guess that's what it comes down to. I ran for all sorts of reasons, but one thing that I expected was to be changed. I expected to come out of the training and the race a champion. Instead, I came out defeated. I didn't accomplish my goal to lose weight during training. I didn't have a changed pallet that made me only crave vegetables. My struggles remain the same, my goals remain aloof, and I feel completely defeated.
All I wanted to do before the marathon was quit. Don't get me wrong, I had bursts of inspiration, but training was hard and what I learned about myself is that I don't like hard. I'm sure that working hard for something and see it come to fruition is incredibly satisfying. I know it is, I've experienced it before. However, that isn't the road I tend to lean toward. That isn't my first choice in routes to take. I choose the easy route any time it comes available.
All I wanted to do during the marathon was quit. The only reason I didn't was because I feared it would take longer to reconnect with my family afterward than just continuing along the route marked before me. Once again, although it seemed like I was accomplishing something really difficult, it was the easiest route for me.
All I have done since the marathon is quit. Some holier than thou runner posted something on facebook saying that if people quit running after they run a marathon they aren't really runners.
I told myself that the first thing I'd do was go out and get a 26.2 bumper sticker. I have yet to get it. Why? Because I don't feel as if I accomplished anything. I guess that's what it comes down to. I ran for all sorts of reasons, but one thing that I expected was to be changed. I expected to come out of the training and the race a champion. Instead, I came out defeated. I didn't accomplish my goal to lose weight during training. I didn't have a changed pallet that made me only crave vegetables. My struggles remain the same, my goals remain aloof, and I feel completely defeated.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Waylaid Again!
Poison Oak is a pesky enemy. I was initially exposed to the nasty thing sometime between August 25 and August 28th, I believe. I only had a few minor bumps for the first week but I now have huge welts of bumps ( there are individual bumps that are part of huge welt like bumps) down my neck, the back of both legs, my shoulder, behind my ear, and under my arm. This morning I noticed more individual bumps popping up down my leg, arm, and torso. I decided that going to the doctor would be my best course of action and every Facebook authority was telling me I needed steroids. So, I went. And I walked out with a new cream, an order to avoid heat, take cool baths, use oatmeal soap, take benedryl twice a day, and to not ingest cashews, walnuts, mangoes, or gingko biloba for four weeks. What I didn't walk out with were steroids. Evidently, if I get it on my face, especially near the eyes, THEN I'm in business. However, although I think steroids would be beneficial, the thought of having this on my face is not a welcome idea. I'd really like to avoid that. The problem that is now in front of me is that when all of this blew up all over my body I had just completed the long run for the week in my continued marathon training. The bumps/welts/rash are stimulated by heat. Well, if you're at all familiar with running, you realize that your body temp rises quite considerably while participating in the sport. However, if I want to get rid of this mess fast, I need to avoid it. The marathon is in three weeks. THREE WEEKS!!!!! And I've decided that I need to not train for a week and see if I can get rid of this stuff. I may end up walking the whole cotton pickin' marathon if I don't get this stuff under control. But, God willing, I will be at the starting line of that marathon on October 7th.
Friday, September 7, 2012
It's Been Awhile
I apologize for the my absence! It's been a whirlwind around here and I'm just trying to keep up with everything!
The in-laws are in. They came last Thursday and were going to leave on Tuesday. However, on Friday, we shared with them some of the home improvement projects that we were facing and they insisted that they were happy to help/stay/etc. These things need to be done as it does affect our insurance rates, so we took them up on the offer. They said "a couple extra days" but, I knew that with house projects it always turns out to be a bigger job than you anticipate. I don't watch Love It or List It for nothing, you know! We are grateful for all that they are willing to do and all the skills they bring to the table, but lengthy stays can be hard on everyone. So, they've been here a week thus far and I do believe they'll be here through the weekend at least.
One of the jobs was fixing the broken sidewalk. That was done easy-shpeasy with Nate and his stepdad working on it together.
The next job was to put a railing/fence along the rooftop patio. It was expected to be a one day job and turned out to be a three day job. But, it does look great and we are looking to start a neighborhood watch business for hire as we can see into people's yards, over privacy fences, etc.
The next job is the garage. Oh boy... This is the doozy. Evidently, there is a sink hole in our garage. The driveway sloped into the garage so all the rainwater would rush into the garage, into the low spot, and started washing away the dirt under the garage floor, which at some point in the past whether with the previous owner or the family before her, the garage floor collapsed. Instead of fixing the garage floor, they put rock down to make the collapsed part level with the rest of the garage floor and then poured asphalt over the garage floor. However, they didn't fix the sloping driveway at all, so rainwater continued to rush in.... made a new hole in the floor and here we are. So, Nate's step-dad has cut out the asphalt, removed the rock, cut out the collapsed concrete and some concrete surrounding the area, and is now in the process of digging four feet deep to attach some sort of rod to the foundation and then attach that to some pieces of wood. Then we're going to use dirt, the rock the people so generously donated to our project with their "patch job", and broken up pieces of concrete (from the sidewalk and the collapsed part) to build up the ground again and then pour concrete again..... I think. Nate's step-dad explains it to me and my mouth drops open and my mind stops working at "digging down four feet deep." It sounds to me like they'll still be here at Christmas at the description he gives. This is a picture of the work thus far.
I've also been struggling with Poison Oak. I was weeding the flower gardens a week and a half ago and saw what appeared to me as small saplings growing in our flower bed. They have a pretty strong root system so it took some sweat and strength to pull them out. A few days later I developed a few itchy blistery spots. They didn't itch too bad, but when I looked at it, I assumed I'd gotten poison something! So, when I looked poison oak up to see what it looked like, it was exactly those small saplings that I had pulled out of the flower bed. It wasn't too major, so I just put Benadryl cream on it and it seemed fine. But then, a patch broke out on my leg, and then on my neck, and there's a small bit along my hairline. Yesterday, my right arm from the elbow down to the wrist (Thank You, God that I was wearing garden gloves when I was pulling those weeds!!!!) is a whole mess o' bumps. My mom had suggested a medicine to get, so now I'm desperately trying to find it. I called the doctor and the triage nurse said they recommend calamine lotion and Aveeno Oatmeal Bath. Really? I want drugs lady.... NOW!
The in-laws are in. They came last Thursday and were going to leave on Tuesday. However, on Friday, we shared with them some of the home improvement projects that we were facing and they insisted that they were happy to help/stay/etc. These things need to be done as it does affect our insurance rates, so we took them up on the offer. They said "a couple extra days" but, I knew that with house projects it always turns out to be a bigger job than you anticipate. I don't watch Love It or List It for nothing, you know! We are grateful for all that they are willing to do and all the skills they bring to the table, but lengthy stays can be hard on everyone. So, they've been here a week thus far and I do believe they'll be here through the weekend at least.
One of the jobs was fixing the broken sidewalk. That was done easy-shpeasy with Nate and his stepdad working on it together.
The next job is the garage. Oh boy... This is the doozy. Evidently, there is a sink hole in our garage. The driveway sloped into the garage so all the rainwater would rush into the garage, into the low spot, and started washing away the dirt under the garage floor, which at some point in the past whether with the previous owner or the family before her, the garage floor collapsed. Instead of fixing the garage floor, they put rock down to make the collapsed part level with the rest of the garage floor and then poured asphalt over the garage floor. However, they didn't fix the sloping driveway at all, so rainwater continued to rush in.... made a new hole in the floor and here we are. So, Nate's step-dad has cut out the asphalt, removed the rock, cut out the collapsed concrete and some concrete surrounding the area, and is now in the process of digging four feet deep to attach some sort of rod to the foundation and then attach that to some pieces of wood. Then we're going to use dirt, the rock the people so generously donated to our project with their "patch job", and broken up pieces of concrete (from the sidewalk and the collapsed part) to build up the ground again and then pour concrete again..... I think. Nate's step-dad explains it to me and my mouth drops open and my mind stops working at "digging down four feet deep." It sounds to me like they'll still be here at Christmas at the description he gives. This is a picture of the work thus far.
I've also been struggling with Poison Oak. I was weeding the flower gardens a week and a half ago and saw what appeared to me as small saplings growing in our flower bed. They have a pretty strong root system so it took some sweat and strength to pull them out. A few days later I developed a few itchy blistery spots. They didn't itch too bad, but when I looked at it, I assumed I'd gotten poison something! So, when I looked poison oak up to see what it looked like, it was exactly those small saplings that I had pulled out of the flower bed. It wasn't too major, so I just put Benadryl cream on it and it seemed fine. But then, a patch broke out on my leg, and then on my neck, and there's a small bit along my hairline. Yesterday, my right arm from the elbow down to the wrist (Thank You, God that I was wearing garden gloves when I was pulling those weeds!!!!) is a whole mess o' bumps. My mom had suggested a medicine to get, so now I'm desperately trying to find it. I called the doctor and the triage nurse said they recommend calamine lotion and Aveeno Oatmeal Bath. Really? I want drugs lady.... NOW!
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